Mammogram - Year 4

So today I had my 4 year mammogram, it was definitely a case of history repeating itself. Basically a copy paste of my last mammogram....., apart from swap Michelle for Rob. Other than that, same feelings, same scanxiety. Everything the same.

A few of my BC buddies question why I have my mammogram now, given that 2017 is actually 5 years since I was diagnosed, people that were diagnosed in the same month as me, have it from diagnosis. My trust have just always done it this way, so it's from when I finished treatment (other than rads), basically from when they told me all the f*cker was out of me. Hopefully this one will be okay, then I'm one year closer to the magic 5 year mark.

Costochondritis

I have a confession. I've had a swelling around my ribs since just before Christmas. I fiddled with it, it got bigger. I panicked and went to the doctors a fortnight ago. I hardly told anyone as saying it aloud made it too real and I wasn't in the right space to even consider what it *could* mean.

I went to the docs a fortnight ago, he confirmed there was a swelling and ordered an x-ray, underlined on the notes to accompany the xray order was "previous history of bc". Feck. Luckily they could do me an xray immediately. We drove to Horsham hospital, had the scan and that was that.

I waited a week for the results, all normal. But the swelling is still there. Docs don't seem concerned but that doesn't appease my overactive brain. I now know what it's not, but I don't know what it is. I request another appointment for a weeks time to discuss it.

A few days pass and I give in and google, one case of bc metastasis to the intercostal muscles recorded ever in the UK and I convince myself I'm going to be the second. Not sleeping, stressing, feeling sick etc etc.

Went back to the docs today, apparently a virus and/or an injury caused me to develop something called Costochondritis and then my fiddling made it swell more. With costochondritis it can take months for the swelling to reduce. Plus where I've lost weight (over a stone since October!) my bones are sticking out more which makes it more prominent. Phew.

Hooray for sticky out bones and a virus!

Chemoversary #4

I can hardly believe that today is my 4 year chemoversary! I am definitely "moving on" as it feels like a horrible distant nightmare rather than thinking about it every single moment of every single day.

Given that it's October and Breast Cancer Awareness month (though who isn't aware of breast cancer god only knows....) it's an ideal time to remind you all to do your monthly checks. Young, old, male, female, we can all (unfortunately) get breast cancer.

If you're not sure what you're looking for, there's a handy checklist from the NHS at the following link: Click Me

#FourCandles

It's so bizarre that I am now blowing out 4 cancerversary candles, the time really has gone so fast.

This time 4 years ago I was given the worst news of my life, as I blow out my 4 candles today (actually I cheated and blew them out on Sunday as today I'm having an absolute blast wandering around German vineyards!) I reflect on how fortunate I am.

Here's to loads more candles 😊

P.S. It's impossible to write four candles without thinking of this cracker of a sketch.... 

Check Up

Today I had my annual appointment with medical oncology at Redhill. Even though I've been feeling well and I give myself some TLC (Touch, Look, Check) at least once a week, there is just something about the familiar drive to the hospital and the familiar walk to the outpatient's department that makes me feel sick. 

The rational part of me knows that I haven't felt any lumps and that should give me security but all rational thought really goes out the window. Especially with Rob being so poorly lately - don't ask... 2x hospitalisations for diverticulitis and associated complications - one hospital stay was 10 days long :( , my emotions have been tested like never before.

We were waiting in a stuffy, non air-conditioned room for over an hour and a half. The note on the board said they were running 25 minutes late, no-one bothered to come and explain or even acknowledge the people waiting. Really poor show as people's emotions just become more heightened and fraught. 

I was eventually called through and was seen by my oncologist's registrar. She asked how I'd been feeling and told me that in a few years once I've done 5 years on tamoxifen we can try for kids (yippee - 3 years down already)! She then gave my boobs, armpits, collar bone and back a feel and told me everything felt okay and that she'd see me in a years' time. 

Hooray, some good news after the stress of the past month 😊

Ellie's Friends

The Eleanor Rose Foundation is an amazing charity whose motto is "Making the big C smaller". They offer freebies and discounts for adults living with and recovering from cancer. It was set up in memory of Ellie Jeffrey who died from secondary breast cancer at the young age of 29.

I have been applying for some of their freebies for about a year now and last week I was delighted to receive an email that I had won a Heat Magazine Beauty Giveaway worth almost £300!!!

In my beauty bundle was:

- Masque Bar Brightening Sheet Mask

- The Body Shop Drops of Youth

- The Body Shop Drops of Light Day Cream

- Scottish Fine Soaps Co Tangled Rose Body Butter

- Nails Inc Nail Polish in Portobello Terrace

- Nails Inc Nail Polish in Chelsea Grove

- Nails Inc Nail Polish in Charlotte Villas

- OPI Nail Polish in Humidi-Tea

- L'Oréal Paris Nail Polish in Greige Amoureux

- Urban Decay Gwen Stefani Lipliner in Rock Steady

- Barry M Matte Me Up Lip Crayon

- Estée Lauder Bronze Goddess Bronzer

- Bourgeois Rouge Velvet Lipstick Wand in Beau Brun

- Max Factor Lipstick in Marilyn Sunset Red

- Kiko Milano Multicolor Blush

- HD Browtec Eyebrow Pencil

- The Body Shop Camomile Cleansing Oil

- Mïnk & Co False Eyelashes

- Feel Unique Eye Brush Capsule Collection

Thank you so much Ellie's Friends and Heat, I feel very lucky!

#LookAtMeNow

Happy 2016 - Chemo 3 Years On!

Emotional Rollercoaster

A really mixed day of emotions. Rob's grandpa sadly passed away. He's had motor neurone disease since he summer and has been speedily deteriorating ever since. Poor Rob has been ultra stressed, he's got a massive interview tomorrow for a director role at work and having to cope with his grandpa being poorly and being the rock for his family. I felt awful when I found out about grandpa as I was away in Bath with Mish. I offered to come home but he said no. I told him to smash his interview for grandpa so fingers crossed for that.

So with the lowest lows come the highest highs, I just found out my mammogram was NED. 3 years cancer-free - Yippee.

Edit: Rob absolutely kicked butt in the interview and got the job. So proud.

Unlucky for some

Friday 13th. Joy. I'm not generally supersistious, but when I get THE letter on the door mat advising me of my upcoming mammogram, of course it would bloody be on Friday 13th.

Rob couldn't come to the scan so Mish kindly came with me instead. I go to work in the morning, trying to distract myself with inane tasks, they don't help. Drive on autopilot to Mish's house, she drives me to the hospital. I walk the familiar walk to the X-ray department, check in, get the usual quizzical look from the receptionist (head tilt + curiosity + you're so young) and get directed (I don't listen, I already know the way) to the mammogram waiting area.

Another young woman is waiting there, she has the evident chemo curls, I smile at her and wonder if she is on YBCN. I get the usual impatient leg jiggle, mind wandering all over the place. Then I'm called in. I know the procedure, top off, details checked, the mammographer's cold hands, standing awkwardly at the machine, being too short so having to stand on tiptoes but stand as still as possible. The scans are done, they hurt. I look at the mammographer's face and she gives nothing away. Of course she doesn't. Then it's over. Mish gives me a hug and we leave the hospital. 

Now I wait.

Chemoversary #3

Happy Chemoversary to me!

3 years ago on this date I finished chemotherapy. It feels both like it was only yesterday but also like some shitty horrible distant nightmare. Given that it's breast cancer awareness month it seems very apt to remind you all to do your monthly check. Young and old, women and men, we can all get breast cancer so please don't put it off.

If you're not sure what to check for, here's a reminder from Breast Cancer Care

3 Year Cancerversary

3 Years ago today I heard the life changing words of "I'm sorry to have to tell you that it IS cancer". As I blow out my 3 candles today, I think about the YBCN angels and how very lucky I am.

Here's to lots more candles :-)

100,000 Page Views

I am super happy because today my blog has gone over 100,000 page views. When I started writing this blog as a cathartic outpouring, I never dreamed it would be viewed by this many people. If out of the 100,000 views, a fraction of people have been helped in some way or have done some TLC then that it is even more awesome. Thank you to everyone who has read, commented, emailed or got in touch in some way throughout the blog so far - you make it worthwhile :-)

 

 

Addendum: Since starting this post - it's gone up another 600 or so, it's now at 100,658!

Hip Hip Hooray

Today was a good day :-) I had my 6 month check-up with the oncologists who were happy with everything and told me that everything looked (and felt!) good and that they would see me in a years' time. Rob and I also spoke to them about the possibility of stopping tamoxifen after 5 years to try for a baby and the oncologist said he saw no reason why we couldn't. I'm already 2 years down so roll on the next 3 - Yay!

Picture credit: www.amyrobison.com

New Job!

So excited to announce that I have a new job! Starting tomorrow I will be the Commercial Manager at ABS Wine Agencies. I am so pleased, excited and keen to get started! When I wrote to ABS speculatively, they originally said they had no vacancies, but because they liked my CV (and me!) so much, they ended up creating a role for me :-)

2 Years NED

2 years ago yesterday I found out that my cancer had gone, that on my second margin clearing operation they had got it all. Today I had my annual check up and saw my consultant surgeon (who I saw back in November when I had the scare). He gave my boobs a quick squodge, felt my armpits (checking the lymph nodes) and tapped my back. Then Rob and I went into his consultation room, he looked at the images from my mammogram, asked how I was tolerating the Tamoxifen and said "Okay, see you in a year"! Awesomeness :)

50s chic

This weekend was Miss Power's hen do, it was great and really nice to put my job woes to the back of my mind. Amongst the other fun things we did, the bridesmaids had arranged for us all to have 50s style hair and make-up done. Everyone else was able to have victory rolls in their hair, I thought I was going to have to 'settle' for a short style but I am actually super pleased with what they did!

Got home after the hen and switched the calendar to February, I then remembered I have my Cancer check-up tomorrow. I guess the fact that I forgot must mean I'm truly moving on from it :-)

3 in 3

So in my last post I was feeling a bit down that I hadn't got a job and that I wasn't making massive headway. Well this week I had 3 interviews in 3 days! One was for a wine company in West London, the job and the company sounded great but it took me 2.5 hours to get there, the salary that they would have been offering wouldn't have been worth a 5 hour round commute. Since working with my outplacement support lady, she has helped me identify that one of my greatest career anchors is my work life balance, this certainly wouldn't have adhered to that. I ended up sending a TBNT email to the interviewer, heard back from an ex-colleague who currently works there that the interviewer liked me and was disappointed I'd withdrawn from the application process. So although it wasn't right for me, it was great to have interview practice, nice feedback and get back into the swing of things.

 

 

The very next day I had a phone interview for another wine company, this one felt much better and much more me than the West London one. The company is about 15 miles from my house. I'm keeping my fingers very crossed. There wasn't a role I applied for, it was completely speculative so I would be very excited to work there. I found out later that day that they would like to see me face-to-face next Friday. I would love to get this one....

 

Today I had an interview for a role as a Food Buyer. So outside of wine but using my languages, buying skills, organisation and supplier relationship experience. It was a tough panel style interview with 2 people and it was about an hour and a half long. I think I handled it well though and I should hear back by next week. Fingers crossed here too!

 



Job Searching

I've been feeling pretty down about not having a job, it's miserable and I have no idea how some people (other than those who genuinely cannot work) do not want to have a job. All I want to do is get back into a routine, earning money and having a career. Yes I have been through something far bigger than this but it's still pretty crappy.

I've been working with a lady from an Outplacement Support company provided by my old employer. They've been really helpful, assisting me in writing my CV, helping me figure out what it is that I want to do, helping me identify my career anchors and getting me interview ready.

Keep your fingers crossed that the universe is kind to me soon....

I should probably remind myself of this sometimes.....                               

An Odd Coincidence

2 years ago today I was fast asleep having the bastard c cut out of me. Today, I just got handed my P45....

 

 

Easier said than done, but rather than being sad about this odd coincidence, I am going to (try to) look at it as both being about new starts....

Time to Fly

redundant

rɪˈdʌnd(ə)nt/

adjective: redundant

not or no longer needed or useful; superfluous.

Sad news. I didn't get a job in the new company. I'm being made redundant as of Christmas Eve... Happy Christmas to me! My head is all over the place at the moment. If I am truly honest with myself, the journey to NW London would have been horrible, about 2 hours each way. But I want to be wanted. It's so hard. People say that I shouldn't take it personally, it's not me that's not wanted any longer, it's my role. But that's so much easier said than done. I've worked for my current company for 7 years and I almost feel like I'm in mourning for my work family. I will miss the camaraderie and friendship more than anything, but if I reflect honestly, it's not been the same place for a few years now. It's scary to be pushed rather than to jump but maybe it's all for the best. Let's see what the future brings. As this blog shows, I've faced far scarier things in my life so far!