Cycle 2 - Mid-way check & cancer elsewhere....

Today we went to Guildford for the cycle 2 mid-way check. Because last week I had some really awful times, we wanted to flag these to TC to get their point of view.

I didn't blog about the awful times because I couldn't, I was physically unable to but I also mentally couldn't. I decided to take myself off zopiclone because I was frightened about the addictive nature of it. So I came off, and then I didn't sleep. I had a few days of absolutely no sleep at all. Not even half an hour. I was taking non-herbal Nytol (diphenhydramine), but it wasn't really working. I was also stressing about my return to work. Even though work have been fully supportive, just initiating an official process was pretty scary. So I was having a combination of no sleep, stress and therefore severe anxiety.

Last Friday, I was the worst I'd even been. I was shaking non-stop all day, it was really horrible, I couldn't get it under control. I managed to do a bit of work in the morning, but I was shaking so much I couldn't really control the mouse or keys. I had awful dark thoughts and couldn't process the simplest of things. Even the thought of letting the dogs in the garden was overwhelming. I felt really very mentally unwell.

Today, a week later, I feel betterer. I still have some shakes, but they are a fraction of what they were. I restarted the zopiclone on Monday and the very night I took it I actually slept. The night after I slept again, less well but still a few hours. On Thursday I got driven into the office (thank you Colin) and worked all day. I'm supposed to be doing a phased return and only doing 12 hours this week, but I've actually done about 24! I need to speak to the "people that be" about this as if I'm doing a "phased return", I need to do it properly!

Anyway, back to today's meeting. I turned up and had my bloods done. The nice nurse found a vein that behaved and took 4 phials and then I went off for my ECG. Obviously I was worried about my QTc given the past issues, but it was 440 which is within the protocol limits. We will get a call later with the blood results, and as long as they are normal, or within range, I'm good to stay on the highest cancer-kicking dose of 3 pills.

We spoke to TC and Avril about the severe anxiety and they listened carefully and wrote down everything I was saying. We discussed it all and they said that going forward they could prescribe me diazepam or lorazepam but that they didn't want to prescribe it immediately because of the addictive nature of it and they want me to try without. Hmmm. I understand why, but I simply cannot have another day like last Friday. TC said that the anxiety is also probably down to my oophorectomy and lack of hormones, which sadly they can do nothing about. So I kind of feel a bit stuck. I need to just constantly take the zopiclone and see what happens.

I think it was probably a combination of no sleep, coming off zopiclone, return to work stress, general anxiety (because wtf not?!), lack of hormones and fear. Now I'm back on the zopiclone and "official" work is actually not as scary as it seemed a week ago I think I can do this.

In other news, TC just casually dropped in to the conversation that when they removed my ovaries they analysed them. They actually had some cancerous cells on them. Fuck. Apparently it changes nothing about my diagnosis as they are now out (and thank god they are) but they have to tell me anyway just so I know. So going through that op was bloody well worth it then. Despite all the night sweats, hot flushes and hormonal changes that I now face as a small part of my daily set of challenges, the fact I had cancerous ovaries would have been yet another battle to face. Bloody hell!

The Operation

Rob drove me to East Surrey hospital and we arrived at 7am. Just as we were checking me in to reception, I was called by a nurse to register me. She went through various questions like allergies, got me to sign a consent form, measured me for my lovely anti-DVT stockings, took my blood pressure and got me to wee into a cup.

Then I met with the two surgeons (I had met one of them at the gynae appointment just 11 days ago) who explained the whole procedure to me. I found out the official name for my op is a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy which is where they remove both your Fallopian tubes and ovaries. My surgery was scheduled to be laparoscopic (aka keyhole) but they did warn me that if anything went awry (bowel damage or anything unforeseen) it would need to become open surgery. The surgeons explained that they would make two cuts in my abdomen and one in my belly button. They would then put a tiny camera in one of the incisions and do the surgery through the other holes. The camera would transmit an image onto a big screen in the theatre for them to work from. They take the ovaries by almost putting them in a fishing net and then pulling them out through each incision. Then they would stitch up the holes using dissolvable stitches and that would be that. Christ.

Next stop I met the anaesthetist who explained to me how that would work, I've had two GAs before so I'm used to the procedure, but I told her I had shite veins and also I was sick both times before when I came round from the GA so she noted that and said she would make sure that I would be given an anti-emetic.

Then I was sent back to the waiting room and was told I was due in third so could expect to be waiting until about 11am. Rob and I waited for about forty minutes and then at 09:10 I was called for the op. Rob and a nurse walked me to the pre-op waiting room, Rob had to leave me here. Through tears I kissed him and he left.

I went into the pre-op ward, gave my details and I then had to change into a gown, take out my contact lenses and put my lovely stockings on. It was then that I fully burst into tears as the realisation of the imminent op hit me. The nurse there was lovely and chatted to me for a bit and then an anaesthetist came and wheeled my bed through to the anaesthetic room. There the anaesthetist that I'd met earlier put a cannula in my hand, asked me what job Rob did, what I did, about Denbies (!) and the next thing I knew I was waking up on the immediate recovery ward.

My throat hurt like anything from the tube being down there and my right arm was incredibly sore. I felt nauseous so they gave me the anti-sickness drug straight away and then little sips of water. I vaguely remember people speaking to me and one of the surgeons telling me everything had gone well. After some time passed, I have no idea how much because I was in and out of being with it, I was taken to the main recovery ward. I asked them for my glasses because not being able to see was just compounding my confusion.

On the recovery ward I felt very groggy and my stomach was rock hard. In order to access everything during the op, they fill your abdomen with air, the only way to get over this is to apparently fart as much as I can over the next few days! My arm was feeling more and more painful and then the anaesthetist came to see me. Apparently during surgery my veins weren't playing ball so they moved the cannula to my wrist, which subsequently leaked into my veins! So my poor veins are bruised inside.

The ward sister then offered me tea and a sandwich, but where my throat hurt so much, I just wanted something really soft, so they brought me a jelly. I managed the jelly and then Rob appeared! I was so happy to see him. I hadn't realised but I had actually been in surgery longer than expected, it's supposed to take about an hour but mine was more like 2. Rob had been waiting at home for the phone call to come and get me and as almost 4 hours had passed (including my time on the ward) and he'd still not had a call he just turned up. Then my Mum appeared too and I cried. I wasn't allowed to leave until I'd been to the toilet so once I'd passed urine I could go. Mum and Rob helped me get dressed, Mum brushed my hair and then I hobbled to the car.

Rob drove home very carefully, dropping Mum at CH station to get her car. He helped me up the stairs and I got in to bed. I had mashed potato and baked beans for dinner and don't really remember much more of the evening other than my arm being unbelievably sore and my stomach being rock hard.

Another step done, goodbye cancer fuel.

Ovary Scan

Today I had a phone call from East Surrey hospital saying they had a cancellation and could I go in that afternoon for the scan on my ovaries. Not an ideal way to spend a Saturday afternoon but hey, if it means things get moving quicker then let's get on with it.

We arrived early and as there was no queue I was seen straight away. It was a fairly "invasive" scan but was over in under 10 minutes. The lady doing the scan very kindly told me then and there that everything looked normal meaning I didn't have to wait for any results. It's definitely the little things like this lady's thoughtfulness in telling me straight away that make this journey just a tiny bit easier.

To add a bit more polish to the shiny news, the car park ticket didn't charge us for parking either - small wins!